The Balance of Power in Dating and Marriage LETITIA ANNE PEPLAU AND SUSAN MILLER

Americans are sentimental about love. In thinking about romance, we emphasize intimacy and caring: we like to view our lover and the relationship as unique. We tend to neglect a crucial aspect of love re1ations:hips-power. This chapter investigates the nature of power in dating ar~d marriage, and analyzes factors that can tip the balance of power away from equality. The traditional formula for male female relationships prescribes that the man should be the leader. In dating, he should take the initiative by asking the woman out, by planning activities, by providing transportation, and by paying the bills. In marriage, he should be the "head" of household. who has final say about major family decisions. Our society's concept of "male superiority" dictates that a woman should "look up" to the significant man in her life, a stance that is often facilitated by his being taller, older, better educated, and more experienced. Feminists have severely criticized the idea that men should have the upper hand in love relationships. In Sexual Politics, Kate Millett' argues that patriarchal norms are pervasive and insidious. Male domination may be seen most easily in business, education, religion, and politics, but it also extends to persorlal relationships between the sexes. The family mirrors the power relations of the society at large and also perpetuates this power imbalance by teaching children to accept the superior status of men. In Millett's analysis. romantic love does not "put women on a pedestal" or elevate women's social status. R~ther , the ideology of love hides the reality of women's subordination and economic dependence on men. As television commercials readily illustrate, "love" can be used for the emotional manipulation of women. It is "love" that justifies household drudgery, as well as deference to men. Thus, true equality would require basic changes in the intimate relationships of "omen and men.